WASHINGTON, January 29:Q: Why does President Clinton invite so many women to his private study?
A: He wants to show them his executive branch.
Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without first asking her to try it on.
Did you hear? Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex. Clinton worries about getting sex from aides....And so it goes on, day after day, on show after show, in bar after bar. Nasty, lewd, wicked, often vicious jokes about the most powerful man in the world.
One-liners are the staple of humour in the 1990s, but thanks to the President of the United States and his alleged carnal conquests, it has become a cottage industry in the early part of 1998.
Ever since the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky scandal broke on last Wednesday, late night TV shows, comedy clubs and the ubiquitous World WideWeb are saturated with a stream of salacious jokes that are circulating faster and are more damagingto the Presidency than any El Nino current. Gags are doing the rounds and no conversation is complete without the mandatory "Have you heard...?"
President Clinton looks up from his desk at the Oval office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" he asks. "It's the Abortion Bill, Mr President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Well... just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
It's not just Clinton, no character even remotely connected to the ongoing scandal is spared the ribbing. Not even First Lady Hillary Clinton, who many feel has displayed sterling qualities in standing by her man, but who is the target of vicious bloodletting from the Right-wingers.
Clinton was out jogging when a hooker hailed him. "Hey, Mr President! Fifty bucks." "No, no," Clinton replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day, the hooker would yell "Hey Mr President, fifty bucks!" and Clinton wouldyell back, "No, five bucks." One day, Hillary Clinton decided to go jogging with him. As they neared the corner, the President suddenly realised a terrible scene was in the offing. Sure enough, just like all the other times, there was the hooker. This time she smiled and yelled: "Hey Mr President! See what you get for five bucks!" It's not that these gags are in private circulation. Each night, some of the lewdest jokes go out to millions watching late night TV shows hosted by popular talk show hosts and comedians like Dave Letterman on CBS, Jay Leno on NBC and Conan O'Brien also on NBC.
A sample from recent Leno shows: The President has been renamed the Unabanger. Ken Starr has found a smoking gun... in his pants. Clinton is being nominated for the Noble Piece Prize. And what's the name of the room he works in? The Oral Office.
Lewinsky and Paula Jones get plenty of stick too.
Gagged Leno last night: "Did you see what a loser Paula Jones is? She is asking for a $2 million settlement with Clinton. Buthere is Monica Lewinsky... she has a $2 million offer to pose nude in Penthouse and a $5 million book deal in the works. If Paula had said yes to Clinton, she could have made that kind of money too..."
And on the Internet: When did Clinton realise Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? When she did not swallow everything he offered. And how did Clinton respond to charges that he coached Monica's testimony? He said he hadn't put any words in her mouth. And Clinton did not ask Monica to lie in the deposition. He asked her to lie in this position....
The tabloids too have been going nuts. The New York Post, which immortalised the crisp headline with "Headless Body in Topless Bar," came out with "Clinton Finally Unzips His Mouth" when he emphatically denied the story. In fact, Zippergate is what the latest scandal has come to be dubbed as. As in, what is the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? In Zippergate, you know who is Deep Throat.
Commentators say the surfeit of jokes is indicative of thedecreasing respect for Clinton, and perhaps even of the Presidency itself. Comedians made fun of Carter's piety, Reagan's goofiness and Bush's whining Texan accent, but they never broached the subject of their libido. Being younger, Clinton, by contrast, seems to let it all hang out -- and in the no-holds-barred nineties, it is proving to be devastating. Says political pundit Robert Samuelson, "Even if Clinton recovers, he's perpetuated inquisitional politics."
No subject was too distant to link it to the sex scandal last week. Netanyahu and Arafat were visiting Washington when the scandal broke. The gag among Middle-East diplomats: Why is Clinton so interested in the Middle-East? Because he thinks Gaza Strip is a topless bar. And the literary gag at a bookstore: How many women does it take to satisfy Clinton? It Takes A Village...
Contests and opinion polls were spoofed too. Apparently, a contest was held to name the President's weewee. The top three entries: Second runner up... "The WashingtonPost" -- because it is into exposes. First runner up... "The Executive Branch" -- because it keeps spreading out. The winner is... "Titanic" -- because 1500 people went down on it!
Nor was Clinton's past spared. What's the definition of an Arkansas virgin? One who can run faster than the Governor. A radio station in Arkansas conducted a poll among women there asking if they would sleep with Clinton. 12 per cent said yes, 13 per cent said no, and 75 per cent said "never again."
By the time Clinton has heard 'em all, he may be the one saying "never again."
Copyright © 1998 Indian Express Newspapers (Bombay) Ltd.
