Nope, nope and nope. The answer, in my humble opinion (and since this is my quiz it will have to do), is the sponsor. Or, as we say it in post-Zee English, the `sponsorer'.

The first time I encountered this weighty personage was at a fashion show over a decade ago. Scores of people had been invited, tables were laid out and a ramp had been constructed by the sea. All very impressive (remember it was the dark ages when such events were still rare) except for the clothes badly stitched and distinctly unfashionable tee-shirts with baggy trousers that hung like pyjamas. The whole thing was mystifying. Why had someone gone through the trouble of organising a shindig for clothes that looked far worse on the live models than they possibly could on a shelf? Because -- and the answer came in the form of the portly manufacturer, his equally portly wife, two pudgy kids and an aging father smug and self consciouslystriding down the ramp. We stifled our laughter. After all, the man was paying for dinner. Since those early days of self-aggrandisement, sponsorship has come a long way. Today the `sponsorer' is everywhere. Ninety per cent of the `happening' social events reported in the press are sponsored by someone with something to sell. Every cultural event is fast acquiring the tag sponsored by .... And movies no longer come to a theatre near you, they are brought there. Since the sponsor has become such an important fixture on the social scene it might make sense to take stock of just how our lives have been changed. So here goes -- a rough guide to life in the age of the `sponsorer'.

First, how the sponsor affects your life depends heavily on who you are. If you are super rich, super celeb or press who expect to be invited to any and every do, to be flown halfway round the country for a party or a fashion show, to sample the finest foods, the finest wines, the finest watches and so on.

If you are in the A+ incomegroup (not a difficult feat -- the outdated categories market researchers use, would put three-quarters of Mumbai in that group) expect to be invited to an assortment of events depending on the following variables -- your club, your mobile phone, your credit card, the foreign bank you patronise. Even if only one of these applies to you, expect to find yourself experiencing at least one culturally uplifting evening a month.

If you are young or hang out at places meant for people half your age expect to be summoned to crowded parties that are just a '90s variation of the school fair tattoo artists, instant photos and a million stoned, sweaty bodies writhing to loud music.

Whoever you are, whatever you are, remember that if you go to a sponsored event, you have to do whatever the sponsor asks you to do. So be prepared to wear red, yellow, blue or whatever else matches the sponsor's logo, smile when someone scratches you with pins in the shape of booze bottles, pens or whatever else the sponsor might beselling, jump for joy when you are presented with a freebie even if it is just a lousy tee-shirt. Don't cry if the exclusive event you were invited to is so full you can't get in. And above all carry cash -- you might have to pay for everything except the privilege of entry.

(The writer is the former editor of Elle)