The type found in largest numbers at southside parties are bankers, for the simple reason that only banks (and foreign ones at that) can afford to give their employees houses in South Mumbai. This particular species go to ground in large spaces called Chummeries. Unfortunately, though they leave their ties behind at office they aren't quite able to cut the tie.

Obviously, one of the courses at IIM is about how diamonds are a girl's best friend, because they seem to think that money talk will simply fascinate women. In the opening few minutes, be prepared to learn what car he drives, the golf he plays, the cool contacts he has, and the clubs he belongs to. Be prepared to hear the right opinions about all the right topics. I have spent many evenings longing to pour my drink over the heads of smirkingyoung IIM graduates. Look on the bright side. You could always get them to process a loan for you.

There is a particular breed that is found exclusively inhabiting areas in and around Colaba -- Navy men. They arrive from various academies with their notes from the last lecture on Etiquette Towards Women tucked in their well-pressed back pockets. You can be certain that they'll open the door, stand up when you enter the room -- and lie through their teeth.

Unfortunately, the kind of machismo that the Navy teaches makes it impossible for any Lieutenant to admit all you shared was a cup of coffee. They descend in hordes upon any area likely to hold women (such as hostels) just before Navy week. Beware of Navy balls. Beware of the 37 other batch mates your escort will introduce you to. If possible, lie about your name, your age and phone number. And don't turn up for any formal occasion in shorts and a tee- shirt. Your escort will spend the evening terminally embarrassed and his superior officer will spendthe evening leaning over you with a large rum in hand.

Then come the sons of old money. They live in wonderfully done-up houses in Cuffe Parade. They are foreign educated, foreign dressed and generally foreign. Their hearts are at UCLA while they are at a Jazz concert at NJ-JBTB. They have studied with Rupert Murdoch's son, shared a class with Brooke Shields and are here to show the natives how it is done. They will in time make English films based on India that sneer at Indian accents and boast Rahul Bose in the east. Or they will write books that get them grants that allow them to write more books. Unless you have blue eyes and blond hair (no, a colour rinse won't do) this type are seldom interested in doing more than telling you stories about beer nights back in the US of A.

Unfortunately, by the time I shifted to the suburbs a Significant Other had significantly entered my life, so my list of dire warnings are limited. My only observation is that it is difficult to tell the men from the boys in thesuburbs for the simple reason that there seem to be only boys. The suburbs abound with young hunks with lank hair lounging around pool tables or crowding around the door of J49 every day of the week. Other than these callow youth, you will find young directors of game shows, young writers, young actors and young music directors. Even people who look suspiciously middle aged are determinedly young.

What does separate the men across the divide is money. Those South of the divide obviously have more than enough to spare. And my observation is that the liberation of women largely depends on men having little or no money. This is demonstrated by men North of the divide who have been pitchforked into equality by sheer necessity. They allow you to go dutch, split the auto fare and share hard luck stories. They are far less likely to stand on ceremony, and their respect for working women has a very real foundation. It is here, in the farther reaches of Mumbai, that I have found colleagues I can respect and friendsI can trust who are male. And which ever end of Bombay you live, I wish you the same this Christmas. Do I hear a resounding... Aaaa-MEN?!!

Venita Coelho is a television script writer.