Seriously, the channel is dedicated to animal addicts; if it succeeds like success, the chances are we will witness the creation of channels with even greater (and narrower) specialisations. There may be channels with names like It's A Dog's Life, or alternatively, Catts and Dog. How about Of Mice and Men and Rats for lovers of rodents? And Zebra Crossing or Crocodile Rock? This may sound as fictitious as aPak TV news bulletin on the events in Kargil and as facetious as Apple Singh but after you have experienced the hitherto unimaginable variety of programmes offered by Animal Planet, you will concede that there could be a channel dedicated to a single insect. How can we possibly write about animals and other animals when there is Kargil and cricket (should that be the other way round?). Answer: because in the first case, Georgy boy (Fernandes) has said everything and more than there was to say; in the second, Indians have nothing left to say. We could of course, discuss the weather but Geoffrey Boy (cott) does that better than the Met department. TV critics are, therefore, left with the extremely unfair task of making acute observations nobody else will. Such as, did you notice expert commentator, Rameez Raja, had a haircut before the India-Australia match?

Let's briefly look at Pak-TV. On second thoughts, let's not: we might get banned. To prove that their hearts pump for India, states and the unionMinister for I&B are banning our neighbour's broadcasts. But this is not a litmus test of patriotism; at least it shouldn't be. The argument regarding pornography applies to PTV as well: if people want to watch it, they will. People who wish to believe PTV's version of events in Kargil, will believe it, anyway; not because PTV is more truthful(!) or convincing than Doordarshan or AIR but because those people are predisposed to believing PTV in the first instance. All items concerning Kashmir on PTV news bulletins are so preposterous, so highly exaggerated, so completely one-sided that only among believers will people believe. Others will laugh or recommend the channel to Salman Rushdie for his next subcontinental novel.

So the ban is simply a symbolic act signifying nothing. More significant is Doordarshan's inability to penetrate farflung regions of the country. As The Indian Express has reported last week, Doordarshan's signal in such areas is so weak a child could blow it away. But why look thatfar: in Delhi, the reception quality of Doordarshan's channels, without a cable connection, is appaling, hazy and indistinct. Nobody wants to watch Doordarshan unless their ambition is to ruin their eyesight.

That brings us to the content of Doordarshan channels, national or regional. If people choose to watch certain programmes on PTV, it is because some of their serials/plays are superior to anything you will see on India-specific channels. Superior and relevant to the lives of viewers. Many Indian serials are flights of fancy; some PTV serials are grounded in reality. That's the difference and it's a big one.

As far as news and current affairs go, Mr.Mahajan has said that he would like Doordarshan to revert to the good old days when its primary role was to project the government. If that isn't propaganda, what is?. In essence, that would mean an Indian PTV, wouldn't it? God forbid. It's true that Doordarshan has never been as shrill and hysterical as PTV. It's equally undeniable that Indian viewersseldom believe Doordarshan because they think it is not impartial, let alone truthful. Would anyone ever consider banning Doordarshan? No, ofcourse not. So the message in the bottle in this instance, is not to fling stones at dish antennas and rid us of this scourge called PTV; the message is: look to yourself, look to improve the quality of Doordarshan's services.

That's like asking Azhar's Army to beat Akram's Artillery on Tuesday. If wishes were spaceships we'd have landed on the moon before Neil Armstrong.