Conservatives mumble disapprovingly of the unravelling of the fabric of society that is inevitably being brought about by divorce. The truth is, people choose this option, only when they reach the end of their toleration level. This is followed by the pain of the cutting away of a destructive cancer. Often because of factors like economic and emotional dependency, this trauma is intensified in case of women.

Marriage, can be defined as the legal regularisation of the man-woman relationship. Patriarchy for it's very survival depends on the maintenance of marriage as an institution, which has full societal and religious sanction. However, the increasing number of cases flooding the family courts even in a traditional city like Pune, indicate that this institution is in some kind of trouble. On an average, 90 cases for divorce are filed per month in the family court at Pune. Most of these happen to be arranged marriages. Urmila Joshi, Principal Judge, Family Courts, attributes this growing figure to the fact that there is no adjustment in marriages today.

Her contention is that since women are now walking the tight rope between career, home, marriage and children it has become more difficult to sustain marriages. This contention is a popular perception held among a number of people. However it is entirely wrong to lay the blame on the women. Instead of admitting that many of the customs pertaining to marriage in our country are flawed, we are targeting the most convenient scapegoat, the woman.

According to S Pothen in Divorce:its Causes and Consequences, the main causes of divorce in India are marital incompatibility, immaturity of one or both the partners, mother-in-law interference, alcoholism, gambling, monetary problems, modern woman's spirit of independence, cruelty and lack of interest in the household affairs. This list disguises the acute trauma of the people who have actually gone through the experience of divorce.

Priya [name changed] had a love marriage, 24 years ago. Today however she lives with bad memories of the failed marriage and two children she must support.Shikha had a love marriage three years ago.Today she has moved into her own accommodation battling bitterly with her spouse for a divorce.Both women acknowledge their strength to support received from friends.Emotional support and counselling can go a long way in helping women come out of such ordeals. Streevani an organisation devoted to helping women provides not only counselling but also legal advise to women with marital problems.

Sister Helen, the Director of Streevani feels that we prepare girls from the very cradle for marriage. "Marriage becomes an end in itself," she says.

As S Pothen notes the roots of this belief, at least in Hindu culture can be traced back to the Manusmriti, which propagates that a man has to go through four ashrams in his life-time, but for the woman there is but one sanskar and that is vivaha. If she remained in her father's home three years after attaining puberty then she was known as a woman of low nature and the father, a party to a great sin. Centuries down the line we still have this belief buried in our collective consciousness. Thus we encourage early marriages, frown upon marriages of choice and discourage singleness. Because of a conflict between tradition and modernity, the results are there for every one to see, namely the spiralling rates of divorce.

Arranging marriages is also a means of maintaining strict control over sexuality. Furthermore we have always viewed our women as properties through whom caste and property has been maintained. Thus marriage instead of becoming a mature interpersonal relationship, degenerates into a contract sealed by her dowry. As Sister Helen points out we must empower women not through dowry but implement property rights so they have a sense of self worth.

A number of psychological problems in adults have their roots in childhood. Complexes of various kinds manifest themselves as aberrations later on, especially in one's married life. And yet our society is reluctant to accept counselling for children and adults as a means of emotional catharsis. One important effect of counselling is to provide emotional support and remove the sense of isolation prevalent in an urban scenario. Pre-marriage counselling at the school and college levels could also go a long way in sketching a realistic scene of marriage and prevent failures later on.

Usha Bambawale, eminent sociologist and counsellor, has been married for the last 42 years. She says there is no formula for a successful marriage, each couple evolves their own formula. Her advise is not to take marriage for granted. A marriage always has to be worked upon even after 50 years and mutual adjustment is the keynote, she adds.

One way of preventing the trauma of divorce that tars every individual involved with its brush is to evolve an understanding of the meaning of marriage. The two are linked with an umbilical cord.