Coming out: 8216;Football not homophobic 8230; but not one player reached out8217;

Former America International Robbie Rogers,says it's not his priority to be first active gay player.

The computer document was named LetterOfLife. Robbie Rogers,a former member of the United States national team and a professional soccer player in England,wrote it one night last December. Rogers alternately pondered over it for more than two months,ignored it and agonized over whether he could make it public. Finally,on the afternoon of February 15,after getting a push from several of his closest friends I was talking about it again and they told me,Post it,or shut up about it! Rogers said through a laugh he did just that.

Rogers posted LetterOfLife to his Web site and,in doing so,revealed to teammates,coaches and fans everywhere that he was gay. Football hid my secret, he wrote. I realized I could only truly enjoy my life once I was honest. He also announced that he was retiring from soccer,despite being only 25.

In the weeks since,Rogers has stayed out of the spotlight. But there has also been a growing wonder about whether Rogers will consider continuing his career,making him the first openly gay male athlete to play in a major American team sport.

Rogers,in an interview from his home in London,said he understood the questions. There are a handful of individual athletes,like the boxer Orlando Cruz,who have come out as gay while still active in their sports. And there have been several team sport athletes,like the N.F.L.s Esera Tualolo and basketballs John Amaechi,who came out after they were retired.

But even as the United States sensibilities toward gay rights have evolved,a gay male athlete has yet to come out while still going to work in the charged locker-room environment of major professional team sports. Rogers does not rule out the possibility. But,he added quickly,it is not a priority for him. He said he hoped that people will understand that I need to be a little selfish about this.

Im definitely not closing any doors, he said. Maybe I will go back. Right now,Im just happy to be out and being honest with people. But just because Im out doesnt mean Im 100 percent healthy. Its been 25 years that I havent been myself. Twenty-five years of lying. Thats really,really hard.

Rogers kept his sexuality a secret from everyone. His parents did not know. His brother and three sisters did not know. His best friends did not know.

Story continues below this ad

A native of Southern California,Rogers said he suspected he was different by the time he was 10 and knew for sure he was gay by 14. Yet he was so scared of anyone finding out that he didnt even write in his diaries about his feelings; he was worried someone else might read them. Im a Catholic,Im a conservative,Im a footballer and Im gay, he said,describing his fear. Imagine living all that time with just a cramp in your stomach. I kept thinking,I hope I dont do something that makes people wonder,is Robbie gay?

I was never close to coming out before. Never. I never went to any gay bars,never hooked up with a guy. It was so unhealthy and so bad that I felt this way. Two years ago,I thought I would never come out during my entire life.

Last summer,Rogers finally accepted who he was and told someone he was gay. Technically,the first person was some girl I met at a bar, he said,laughing. I told her I was gay,and she still tried to hook up with me. It was weird.

Starting in October he came out to his family. His older sister,Alicia,was the first relative he told,and he was so nervous that he initiated a Skype conversation with her.

Story continues below this ad

I thought about flying home to tell everyone,but I just needed to do it and get it off my chest, he said. The only time that I really cried during this whole process is when I told my mom and she just said: Robbie,I dont care. We love you.

By January this year,Rogers began telling close friends. Sacha Kljestan,a midfielder on the US team who plays professionally in Belgium,visited Rogers in London a few weeks ago the pair went to a pub to watch the Tottenham-Arsenal match together and Kljestan said he had never seen Rogers more at ease.

Like many others,though,Kljestan wonders about whether Rogers will return to the game. When Rogers told him that he was gay and planning to retire,Kljestans first reaction,he said,was,Robbie,you dont have to do that.

If he ever does return to soccer,Rogers said,it would almost surely be in M.L.S. A number of his teammates in England reached out to him with supportive texts or e-mails after he came out publicly,but many of those same teammates participated in locker room banter that could really be pretty awful, he said.

Story continues below this ad

I remember hearing them talk about the possibility of gay players and saying ,If gay footballers can shower with us,I want to shower with girls.

He added: Ive showered with guys my whole life. And never once have I been excited,like,Oh yeah,its time to shower with the guys. It isnt that way. You just dont think of guys on your team that way. You just dont. Rogers noted that it is easy for others to say he should simply keep playing yet of all the e-mails and texts he received,none were from other active soccer players revealing that they were gay.

I dont think football is homophobic, Rogers said. But clearly there is something there. Because no one reached out. Not one other player said he was gay.