Dear Bangladesh President (whose name slips me): The Global Warming alarmist-experts tell us that your country is sinking. The only issue worth discussing between our two countries is a rational work-permit based migration policy. But since this subject is taboo on both sides, let us stop having meetings.

Dear Myanmar Junta: We don’t know who you are. Till now we have talked to illusions (in keeping with our traditions of faith in Maya). But our old allies, the comrades, and our new allies, the SP, have told us that Maya is unacceptable. We need to follow materialism, dialectically or otherwise. Hence we shall discontinue these illusory discussions.

Dear Sri Lankan Leaders: After losing 1000 IPKF soldiers and our leader Rajiv, our people are tired of your country. If you insist, we can give visas to some fishermen and ask them to settle in Kachhathivu.

Regretfully, we are unwilling and unable to do anything more.

Dear Maoists, Madhesis and others of Nepal: We have our own problems in Darjeeling. We wish you luck. Do us a favour. Get off the front pages of newspapers. Op-eds, which no one reads, are quite OK.

Dear Chinese Leaders: It was OK to be Bhai-Bhai until Bollywood began equating “Bhai” with underworld dons. We have various problems. McMohan Line, Aksai Chin, Ladakh, Sikkim, Dalai Lama, Tibet, Arunachal Pradesh, Tawang, support for Pakistani missiles and bombs... It is best to leave these problems to God (who you don’t believe in and who my countrymen believe in aggressively). In the meantime, you have my assurance that we will make sure that Bombay (sorry, Mumbai) will remain worse than the worst shanty in Shanghai. This is our promise to your people and ours. Given this, I believe there is no need for any foreign policy between us.

... contd.