Dear President Bush and Presidents-in-waiting McCain-Obama: For 34 years you have denied us dual-use technology, uranium, supercomputers, reactors and blocked visits by our scientists. You have arm-twisted Australia not to sell us uranium, France not to sell us Heavy Water and Russia not to sell us Cryogenic Engines. You want to change. We don’t. We prefer that you arm Pakistan and support China in supporting Pakistan. We are traditionalists opposed to changing a 34-year-old tradition.

Dear Former President Putin’s flunkey (I forget your name): We liked you when Bulganin and Khrushchev ruled you. Why don’t you adopt dynastic politics and invite Bulganin’s son and Khrushchev’s daughter to rule you? Then and only then will we have a foreign policy towards you.

Dear President Sarkozy: We would like you to send a French Regiment to invade Pondicherry (sorry Puducherry), Karaikal, Mahe, Yanam and Chandernagore. Until you do this, we will do “katti”. We will have a foreign policy only vis-a-vis imperialist aggressors. As we say, in our government files, “please issue orders to do the needful”.

Dear Prime Minister Brown: Most of my ministers and secretaries like to go to Wimbledon and Lords; we need a policy towards you if I am not to have a revolt in my cabinet and civil service. After deliberation, I have decided to outsource Indo-British foreign policy to Lakshmi Mittal, Ratan Tata and Shilpa Shetty. Indians are world-beaters in outsourcing. Our businesspersons and film stars will not let either of us down.

... contd.