Opinion Don’t call me,I won’t call you

Phone calls are rude. Intrusive. Awkward. “Thank you for noticing something that millions of people have failed to notice since the invention of the telephone until just now,” Judith Martin,aka Miss Manners,said by way of opening our phone conversation. “I’ve been hammering away at this for decades. The telephone has a very rude propensity to interrupt people.”

Even at work,where people once managed to look busy by wearing a headset or constantly parrying calls back and forth via a harried assistant,the offices are silent. The reasons are multifold. Nobody has assistants anymore to handle telecommunications. And in today’s nearly door-free workplaces,unless everyone is on the phone,calls are disruptive and,in a tight warren of cubicles,distressingly public. Does anyone want to hear me detail to the dentist the havoc six-year molars have wreaked on my daughter?

The nature of the rare business call has also changed. “Phone calls used to be everything: serious,light,heavy,funny,” Burnham said. “But now they tend to be things that are very focused. And almost everyone e-mails first and asks,‘Is it OK if I call?’ “ Even in fields where workers of various stripes (publicists,agents,salespeople) traditionally conducted much of their business by phone,hoping to catch a coveted decision-maker off-guard or in a down moment,the phone stays on the hook.

Receiving calls on the cellphone can be a particular annoyance. First,there’s the assumption that you’re carrying the thing at all times. For those in homes with stairs,the cellphone siren can send a person scrambling up and down flights of steps in desperate pursuit. Having the cellphone in hand doesn’t necessarily lessen the burden. After all,someone might actually be using the phone: someone who is in the middle of scrolling through a Facebook photo album. Someone who is playing Cut the Rope. Someone who is in the process of painstakingly touch-tapping an important e-mail.

For the most part,assiduous commenting on a friend’s Facebook updates and periodically e-mailing promises to “catch up by phone soon” substitute for actual conversation. With friends who merit face time,arrangements are carried out via electronic transmission. “We do everything by text and e-mail,” said Laurie David,a Hollywood producer and author. “It would be strange at this point to try figuring all that out by phone.”

In our text-heavy world,mothers report yearning for the sound of their teenage and adult children’s voices. “I’m sort of missing the phone,” said Lisa Birnbach,author of True Prep and mother of three teenagers. “It’s warmer and more honest.” That said,her landline “has become a kind of vestigial part of my house like the intercom buttons once used in my prewar building to contact the ‘servants quarters.’” When the phone rings,9 times out of 10,it’s her mother.

There are holdouts. Radhika Jones,an assistant managing editor at Time magazine,still has a core group of friends she talks to by phone. “I’ve always been a big phone hound,” she said. “My parents can tell you about the days before call waiting.” Yet even she has slipped into new habits: Voice mails from her husband may not get listened to until end of day. Phone messages are returned by e-mail. “At least you’re responding!”

“When the telephone first appeared,there were all kinds of etiquette issues over whom to call and who should answer and how,” Dr. Fischer,a sociology professor at the University of California,Berkeley,told me when finally reached by phone. Among the upper classes,for example,it was thought that the butler should answer calls. For a long time,inviting a person to dinner by telephone was beyond the pale; later,the rules softened and it was OK to call to ask someone to lunch.

Telephones were first sold exclusively for business purposes and only later as a kind of practical device for the home. Husbands could phone wives when traveling on business,and wives could order their groceries delivered. Almost immediately,however,people began using the telephone for social interactions. “The phone companies tried to stop that for about 30 years because it was considered improper usage,” Dr. Fischer said.

We may be returning to the phone’s original intentions — and impact. “I can tell you exactly the last time someone picked up the phone when I called,” Mary Roach said. “It was two months ago and I said: ‘Whoa! You answered your phone!’ It was a PR person. She said,‘Yeah,I like to answer the phone.’ “Both were startled to be voice-to-voice with another unknown,unseen human being.Pamela Paul