Grooming classes for soap operas are big-time. Here is the checklist: nubile young girls are more in demand, boys only stand a 1:3 chance. An anorexic figure is a must. The rest can be worked on. Before applying, consult an astrologer/numerologist or tarot card reader and add ominous vowels and consonants to your name. For a lead role, long Rapunzel hair is an asset.

Learn to drape the sari so that it is perched just below the hips as in the fashion catalogues. Also get used to holding up the noodle/strapless/halter neck cholis. Practise sporting dangling chandelier earrings that sweep the shoulders. Learn to roll your eyes like pin balls. Get conversant with Hindi. Not big-time dialogue but sentences like, ‘tum samajhne ki koshish karo’, ‘yeh sirf mera saath kyon hota hai?’ etc, etc.

A few afternoons of soap watching will help. Once you make it to a daily drama, there are further dos and don’ts. As a lead player, you will get to wear a lot of tinsel.

You may start off with salwar-kameez/jeans but be prepared to switch to saris the moment you tie the knot. But if you play the baddie, your clothes will only get skimpier, even after ‘marriage’. Get ready to ‘age’ every two years, no white streaks in the hair, or even crow’s feet, but you’ll have ‘children’ your own age to mouth homilies to.

If you are the darling of the unit, you will be resurrected after death (invariably in a car crash, where a charred body will be mistaken for you) but if you misbehave, you will undergo cosmetic/repair surgery and another actor will replace you.

... contd.