DIRECTOR: Stephen Sommers

CAST: Sienna Miller, Dennis Quaid, Jonathan Pryce, etc

RATING: 1 star

Let’s just say only this. The scary thing about G.I. Joe isn’t that warheads — casually thrown about, lugged in a suitcase through gunfights around the world — are literally plucked off a high-security complex from under the Egyptian desert by a double-dealing arms manufacturer. Or that Eiffel Tower goes down in the process and is treated just as collateral damage. The scary thing is the assortment of men and women entrusted with the world’s safety: 20-somethings fitted out in the latest gadgets and little else, who, we are given to believe, live to fight.

And the film doesn’t lack in either: fights or gadgets. Of course, one can get all of it in a video game. But when did that ever stop an all-American action film about soldiers and warheads?