Opinion Paul and I

The first question (I had thought,let’s keep the questions newsy): When India’s cricket captain gets married which news channel will Mrs Dhoni be well-advised to not watch? Paul took his time. Tough question. But Paul’s tough,too. He picked out a mussel from the Times Now box.

How smart he’s,I told myself when I watched TV later. Still shots of Mr and Mrs Dhoni on Times Now,shaadi-type music playing,and the journalist doing the voiceover says the ‘shy bride’. Shy bride? Shy bride! How did Times Now know? It didn’t have video. So then what? Man weds woman and the woman has to,just has to,look shy? No other major broadcaster felt confident enough to comment on Mrs Dhoni’s demeanor during the ceremony.

My next question was tougher: It’s monsoon in India now,which channel will be the first to look at water and say,oh my god,national calamity? The water in Paul’s tank was churning. His attendant told me,man,this Indian news TV thing,more complicated than football,huh? I merely nodded,too on-the-edge to speak. There! Paul picked NDTV 24X7.

And there,later,was NDTV 24X7,reporting from the frontline,or waterline,in Punjab and insisting that if NDTV thought it was a calamity of a flood,then it just was,never mind details. Parts of Punjab and Haryana saw impressive rains this week. True. Some people were affected. True,as is always the case. But was it as great and big a disaster as NDTV seemed hyper keen that the Punjab minister admit when he was being questioned? What are the crop losses,NDTV dramatically wondered. May be,may be,if the crops in question haven’t been sown as yet,the question of losses could be a little premature? May be,just may be,some crops do well when there’s,as it looks to us city-types,‘too much water’? Before pronouncing a grim future,could NDTV have pondered on a few extant details? No! Details are for an octopus. Octopi don’t run news channels,okay? Okay.

My next question was about a journalist,the now famous-in-India,American columnist Joel Stein: Which channel will protect national honour best as news TV in general decides that Stein’s column on Indian-American ‘culture’ in an American town is an insult to 1.2 billion Indians in India? I was a little smug. Paul will pick Times Now,I was sure. But no! Paul went straight to the CNN-IBN box and tucked into a treat.

This is why. In which channel did I see the anchor for the evening chat show ask whether this whole thing was an Obama effect? That whites in America,now that they have a black president,are feeling that everything’s changing? Whoa,hold it there; to use an American expression. The Obama effect? I mean,CNN-IBN had already talked about ‘pure white memory’,an expression that my pure brown memory tells me I haven’t encountered in discussions on race divides. But linking Stein’s column to Obama! I was about to say ‘Jesus!’,being a somewhat deracinated,religion-neutral kind of chap. But let me be truer to my ‘roots’. O Ganpati! Did you watch that CNN-IBN show? The show incidentally also carried this on-screen caption: Racist America. From a columnist to a country,in one show.

Space constraints don’t permit me to share several other questions Paul answered for me. But I will tell you the last one I asked. For that,I used two boxes,painted ‘Yes’ and ‘No’,and my question was: Should I continue to follow news TV?

Paul instantly went to the ‘Yes’ box and wiggled his legs at me. He’s saying,the attendant told me,have fun. I will. Thank you,Paul. saubhik.chakrabarti@expressindia.com