After the rage comes laughter. I sat through Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag with growing disbelief and distaste, and when I finally reeled out of the hall, I was angry. Angry. Few films make you angry. You watch an incompetent film, you hate it, you move on. This film makes you angry. Because this — this remake or whatever of Sholay — is a monumentally idiotic insult to one of the most iconic films made in India, an insult to everyone who saw it and loved it, and to their memories. What crime can be higher than a boot stamping on your memories?

But I am not going to vent my spleen any more on this disgusting piece of film-making that, in its best moments, plays like a private joke told by a talentless drunk scratching his crotch. Because I need to move on. And the only way I can is to laugh. After the rage...

Remakes are hot in the Hindi film industry now, the camouflage facepaint that tries to hide the reality that the guys who run the business are running out of ideas. I had the good fortune to switch on the TV one night when both the Dons were on, on separate channels. I kept switching between them, and it was quite educational. The most important thing I learnt was that Kareena Kapoor is no Helen, and two hip wiggles from a fully-clothed Zeenat Aman are far sexier than Priyanka Chopra prancing in next to nothing. The rest of what went on and how the two films compared with each other is mere detail, to do with advances in cinema technology over 30 years.

... contd.