Sale! Sale! Sale!

Big red signs everywhere screaming out to my wife in her own personal language. 25% off! 50% off! Even 80% off! And there was one clever fellow who was proudly offering 50% + 50% off! Which,as the tourist guide disguised as my wife explained to me disdainfully,translates into a mere 75% and not the slightly more tantalizing 100% that I was expecting.

But in spite of all this flying around her ears my wife was strangely calm. She was not buying. She just flitted haughtily from counter to counter as sales people flung themselves frantically at her feet. After a bit of this muck I couldn’t bear it any longer.

“Er,you don’t want to buy anything?” I asked tentatively. “No. I am waiting.” “Waiting? For what?” “For the prices to fall.” To fall?

If they fall any further we’ll need a small contingent of earth movers to find them. But then my wife is from Delhi and her genes are from the Punjab though she claims to be Himachali and I guess her expertise on the global economy is way greater than mine.

Because the other day,maybe just two days after our fateful mall visit,I was at a more modest store and noticed a sign: “Buy one,get three free!” Three free? And all I had to do was buy one?

Had prices fallen already,that much? Hang on,hang on,let me calculate some percentages here. If I buy one and I get three free,wait,wait,if I buy one and get one free that means I just got two for the price of one which means I paid half for two which means I got a discount of 50% right?

And if I buy one and get two free… oh,man! I give up,I just know it means I have a whole lot of commode cleaner and I wonder if they clean ketchup stains off shirts as well?

Which of course brings me to another thought that struck my feeble little brain like lightning flashing persistently inside a 20 watt CFL bulb (what to do,nowadays even your ideas have to be environmentally friendly).

If these guys are giving 50% and 75% discount what the hell do their products cost in the first place? And then another think I thunk: Are they still making profit?

They had to be. Come on guys,they have to be still making profit. How can they not? I mean look at their shops —big,big A/Cs running all the time; bright,bright lights shining; polite,polite salesmen still smiling. My commode cleaner has to be paying for all this.

Or maybe not. Maybe the poor fellow is making a loss.

So now I’m beginning to feel bad for the guy. And I wonder if he has children,and maybe I should take two of the commode cleaners back,maybe I should take all three of the commode cleaners back and just honestly pay for the one I bought.

After all what’s the harm if he makes a little profit,everybody has to live,no?

Damn,I hate these sales! Not because of the crowds. Not because of how they give my wife a glint in her eye. I hate them because they’re damn confusing.

First they make you happy. Then they make you calculate and think.

Then they make you feel like you should be working to eradicate world poverty.

Can’t wait till things get back to normal. And my wife starts shopping again.

Postscript:You believe me,right?

(Contact the columnist on adipochas@yahoo.com)