Two monster movies are releasing this Friday, with ‘HIT’ in large purple neon signs written all over them. The quality won’t matter, the acting won’t matter, the reviews won’t matter; millions of Indians across the world will stampede into cinema halls, spilling their popcorn and squealing joyfully in anticipation, carrying several handkerchiefs each to wet saltily and rinse. The juggernauts shall roll and vast willing audiences will be wilfully crushed and go home babbling in hysterical joy.

Over the last few weeks, one could hardly switch on the TV without having to watch either Shah Rukh Khan, Deepika Padukone or Farah Khan, all associated with Om Shanti Om; or Ranbir Kapoor or Sonam Kapoor, the principal actors of Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Saawariya, or their parents, or Bhansali himself, with his manic glistening eyes and pursed lips. They were giving interviews, attending talk shows, judging contests, dancing, singing, shedding tears — the complete works. I believe Animal Planet was the only channel which didn’t carry anything on the films, but I may be misinformed, I hardly ever watch Animal Planet. But there’s two days left still. For all we know, Padukone will be cuddling koala bears on the channel tonight.

Om Shanti Om and Saawariya will be different films at every level. Farah Khan, director of Om Shanti Om is the best-known graduate of the Karan Johar School of Filmmaking, whose mantra is: go back in history and look for Hindi film storylines that have consistently been hits. Now choose one, glitz it up, add a twist of your own, and run with it. Johar’s Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and Farah Khan’s Main Hoon Na resurrected the surefire formula of the ’70s-lost-and-found, and guffawed all the way to Fort Knox. With their own charming twists: in K3G, Shah Rukh was an adopted son and not blood brother to Hrithik Roshan; in MHN, Shah Rukh was an out-of-wedlock stepbrother to Zayed Khan. See how 21st century we have made our themes?

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