This is what Nisha Bhatia, a Director in RAW’s training institute in Gurgaon, said from her bed in the trauma centre of the Ram Manohar Lohia Hospital where she was admitted this afternoon after she consumed what doctors said was a “half-inch brick” of rat poison at the Prime Minister’s Office.

This comes a month after Bhatia wrote to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on what she alleged was her sexual harassment by the top brass of the country’s premier overseas intelligence agency.

Her two-page letter with detailed annexures, obtained by The Indian Express, was a list of complaints of alleged sexual harassment and inaction by RAW higher-ups, including a Joint Secretary-level officer.

She also alleged that RAW Secretary Ashok Chaturvedi had dismissed her complaints saying he didn’t “wish to be disturbed on such issues.”

Bhatia ended her letter saying: “I would rather die than live life like a ‘living dead.’ I would do it right in front of you, Sir.”

When contacted by The Indian Express, Chaturvedi said: “We have found her allegations unfounded and baseless. She was angling for a foreign posting which was not given to her which is probably behind all this.”

But over the past six months, Bhatia has sent representations to the Prime Minister, the National Security Advisor and on July 24, to the National Commission for Women (NCW). Her meetings with the NSA M K Narayanan and Cabinet Secretary K M Chandrashekhar resulted in an internal inquiry being ordered under Supreme Court guidelines and a request to her to withdraw her resignation which she submitted on November 1, 2007.

The Indian Express first published details of the sexual harassment case (June 14, 2008) but the result of the inquiry was evident from letters she wrote to Shashi Prabha, who headed the inquiry, on December 21.

In it she wrote, “Inquiries on sexual harassment lead nowhere as it becomes a ‘who said what’ battle at the end of which the male-dominated system successfully ‘fixes’ the victim.”

She also informed Shashi Prabha that she had “attempted to strip” outside 2, Tughlak lane, the residence of Ashok Chaturvedi on December 20.

To Girija Vyas, the Chairperson of the NCW, she wrote: “...several inquiries, with no legal status, have been constituted within the department by Shri Ashok Chaturvedi — not to investigate my complaint but to invite me to ‘prove my case.’ I have failed to understand how I could possibly ‘prove’ things that happened in one-on-one meetings.”

A perusal of Bhatia’s 20-page complaint reveals the following allegations:

• That since the year 2005 when she was the head of RAW’s training institute she was subjected to “vulgar comments” and “discreet sexual favours” sought by the agency’s top brass.

• That Chaturvedi subsequently tried to spoil her Annual Confidential Report (ACR) and in August 2007 she was posted back to the RAW headquarters. On August 3, 2007, a Joint Secretary on her desk offered her Rs 30,000 to spend a night with him in a hotel and even withdrew the sum from secret service funds.

• She says she was shocked to find that on her first official complaint on the incident, the RAW Chief wrote, “I don’t wish to be disturbed on such issues.”

• At that stage she said she made a formal request that an advisory be issued in the RAW to sensitise officers on gender issues and create greater awareness among them about Supreme Court’s guidelines on sexual harassment of women in the workplace. This, was, however, never done.

• Following her complaint, Bhatia says she received several calls (some anonymous) from woman employees in the R&AW about similar incidents of sexual harassment. She states in her complaint, “it became apparent that invitations for money and official favours were more a rule than exception. It also became apparent that special funds and facilities were being used for this purpose.”

In subsequent complaints, Bhatia has alleged that she has been put under surveillance by the R&AW and her telephone lines tapped.

In her most recent missive dropped off at the Prime Ministers residence on July 25, Bhatia alleged that in yet another act of intimidation, her office in the training institute in Gurgaon was “raided” by the Department on July 23, the first time such an incident has occurred since its inception in 1997. And that this was an attempt by the RAW top brass to “intimidate” her.

Her mind disturbed: Govt

Statement issued by Cabinet Secretariat after the incident:

•Bhatia complained last year, committee was set up to probe but she withdrew her complaint

• She refused to cooperate with committee which completed its probe on May 19 this year and found that her allegations could not be substantiated.

• The committee found her behaviour indicated “a disturbed state of mind” and an AIIMS officer recommended medical counselling which Bhatia refused.

• Several complaints from “different quarters”: unauthorized communication with media, insubordination, sending offensive SMSes.

• Given this “misconduct,” probe ordered on Aug 8; when told about the inquiry on Aug 19, she indicated she would not appear in proceedings.