Today’s ‘Breaking News’ is that tomorrow is Independence Day. ‘A World Exclusive’, reveals it’s not just any old Independence Day, it’s the day’s diamond jubilee birthday. ‘Just In’, the entire nation will celebrate the occasion with special tricolour tikkas (close-up of orange chickens, white fish and green paneer). The ‘live temperature’ on August 15, 2007 will be feverish.

This is an imaginary preview of the day on TV.

Indian flags Mexican wave on all channels; some pin it up on the TV screen; saas-bahus wear it as bindis. At least one TV commercial for underwear is in our country colours: owner’s pride, nation’s envy. Also, Priyanka Chopra sings ‘Ai Mere Watan Ke Logon’ on NDTV’s Jai Jawan as Lata Mangeshkar is declared a national heritage sound who has to be preserved.

Tonight, our soap queens will reign supreme over their fractious households. Parvati will stand at the top of the stairs (all soap operas have staircases) and alongwith 100-odd members of their families proclaim our current political motto (which applies to them too): divided we stand united. They would have organised a garba to ‘Jana Gana Mana...’ but remembered you have to stand still for the national anthem. Contestants on Indian Idol and Sa Re Ga Ma play judge while the judges pull out each others’ vocal chords on stage — all the while singing, “Awaaz do, hum ek hain ...”

Catch Rakhi Sawant and every other item girl on Hindi news channels in vishesh programmes with anchors such as Vinod Dua, Prasun Bajpai and Ashutosh demanding to know their expert opinion on 60 years of science and technology in India.

... contd.