Ooops, sorry for the language malfunction. In case you’ve never heard of the term, it is the verbal equivalent of what Carol Gracias let slip what she wasn’t meant to at the Lakme Fashion Week, setting all the news channels looking for more, how shall we put it, faulty clothes lines? Knowing that there was nothing the audience would rather watch than women without wardrobes, they set about locating the moment when the cloth slipped off its resting place and highlighted it with a mosaic so that our eyes would be magnetically drawn to that part of the anatomy.

Brian Lara also appeared on day one of the same week and made his own fashion statement. He wore a jacket over tired jeans. Hmmn, could it be that the zip in his other trousers was suffering a wardrobe malfunction? Shhhh.

The Aaj Tak reporter clearly suffered a momentary mental malfunction when she asked him, There are so many beautiful young girls around, did you enjoy them (or words to that effect). Lara, who has been linked to many beautiful girls in his time, replied as though at a diplomatic function: ‘‘I enjoyed mingling.’’

In our poll of the day we are asking you, Who else is malfunctioning on air? Your vote could go to the Hindi news channels like Star News or Aaj Tak, which led with India Fashion Week as numero uno of the day unless it was Hrithik having a baby (a serious body malfunction, were it true) ahead of news that those allegedly responsible for the Varanasi blasts had been arrested.

But why go after the news channels? Elsewhere, malfunctions are engineered as deliberately as Janet Jackson’s. (By the way, TV stations in the US were heavily fined for broadcasting Jackson’s audacious revelation — are you listening news channels?)

Where were we? On Kandy Floss (Sony), three of Indian TV’s brashest macho stars were taped falling all over their drinks, resulting in a tongue malfunction that had them slur out inappropriate comments about female actresses. Not an attractive sight. Kandy Floss will have to find a way to get them to talk ‘dirty’ but sober if we are to appreciate their comments.

You could also vote for Indian Idol (Sony). Here, the voting public is suffering from a serious case of dysfunctional sensory perceptions. Dysfunction occurs when something doesn’t work as opposed to malfunctioning. In this case, viewers must be tone deaf and blind. How else to explain the fact that all the good-looking girls who sang very well have been voted off the show and we are left with the usual male suspects? The alternate explanation is that our traditional gender malfunction is in perfect working order.

What about Deal Ya No Deal (Sony)? Another very good candidate for the malfunctioning award. No, it’s not because of Mandira Bedi’s clothes, which when they malfunction (which is frequently) manage to remain in place; it’s because the contestants behave in an equally deranged manner no matter how much they win or lose. It’s only money, folks.

Our serial producers’ creative powers are not just malfunctioning or dysfunctional, they have ceased to exist. You can’t blame them. Some of these shows wage a daily battle long after they’ve lost our interest. Look at what they’ve done to Jassi. She has literally become Jaisi Koi Nahin.

First, they turned her into another hair shampoo ad when she was strictly for wigs, then they made her into another tear goddess when she was the joker in the pack, and now they are about to make her into a surrogate mother to a little girl who is apparently her husband Armaan’s from a fling with a woman who is about to die of a dreadful disease. Whew!