Donald, you missed again

PENTAGON BRIEFING. Day 205 of The War Against Terrorism in Afghanquicksand. US Defence Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, nervously adjusts his glasses which keep slipping down his nose. He narrows his eyes in preparation for battle. His partner in crime, or rather in this damage control strike, is none other than the lugubrious General Richard B. Myers, chairman, joint chiefs of staff who clears his throat before the assault commences...

MEDIA: Secretary Rumsfeld, is it correct that US aircraft has hit a general hospital in Kabul for the 15th time, despite a huge red cross marked over the roof of the building?

RUMFELD: Uh-uh-uh, well, perhaps General Myers should answer that one.

MYERS: Well, uh-uh-uh, obviously that is a disturbing development and we do not have an explanation at this point. Except, don’t forget, 6,000 innocent men, women and children died in the September 11 attacks.

RUMSFELD: Let me state for the record that the Rules of Engagement of this War is that there are no rules. Yes, Dan.

MEDIA: But would you categorise that hospital attack as intentional or was it human error?

MYERS: Well, uh-uh, we don’t know at this point of time, given current information, why that hospital was standing where it was but we will be looking into it.

RUMSFELD: Apparently, it was a hospital, but it could also have been a military facility. Apparently all those who were killed, including children, were working for the Taliban army, although it is correct that it was hit for the 15th time. Next.

MEDIA: Secretary Rumsfeld, we’ve also heard that a Red Cross warehouse complex has been attacked for the 50th time. Is this intentional or are our airforce commanders blind?

MYERS: Well this has, of course, been brought to our notice and General Franks at Central Command is investigating it very, very, very thoroughly. It should not have happened but we cannot rule out the possibility of it happening again. However, we must keep in mind the 6,000 innocent Americans were killed on September 11.

RUMSFELD: Of course, we know that the Taliban has always used food as a weapon and therefore if food stocks are wiped out by US bombing that would strictly be within the Rules of this Engagement, which as I have already explained is that there are no rules. Next.

MEDIA: General Myers, has the US airforce a gameplan at all in Afghanistan, or are our airforce boys under the illusion that this is only a giant videogame?

RUMSFELD: I’ll take that question. We have already stated that ours is a clear-cut, well-thought out, phase-by-phase operation. Phase 1 was all about clearing out Taliban air defences. Phase 2, was about hitting a broadening range of targets — airfields, military installation, hospitals...er, er, sorry, military facilities passing off for hospitals. Phase 3 concentrated on the elimination of forces opposed to the National Alliance. What this really means is that we reserve our right to do what we damn well please, no matter what the damage, no matter what the collateral damage.

MYERS: The Secretary has put it extremely well. I have nothing to add except to remind you of the 6,000 innocent Americans who died on September 11.

MEDIA: A question to both the Secretary and General Myers. Are we planning to carpet bomb Afghanistan?

MYERS: The US-led strikes has, as you know, entered its 205th day. Afghanistan, as you know, was a mountainous stretch. It is now a sandy waste. Dropping a few bombs here and there in a desultory manner would not allow us to achieve our strategic objectives. For that the full mobilisation of our assets has to be achieved, even if it means making a few mistakes. But remember the 6,000 innocent Americans who died on September 11.

RUMSFELD: In any case, I’ve heard the Afghans love their carpet, so we are giving it to them. Ha, ha! Next.

MEDIA: Is it true, General Myers, that unexploded cluster bombs bear the same colour as the food packages dropped on Afghanistan and will this not cause more civilian deaths?

MYERS: Unfortunately, this may in fact be the case. We have been spending the last month deciding on the new colour of the food packages. We may make them blue in a couple of years or so. In the meanwhile, remember the 6,000 Americans killed on September 11.

MEDIA: But does this not defeat the objective of humanitarian relief packages if they turn out to be bomblets?

RUMSFELD: Let’s get this clear. This is no fairy tale, those civilians you speak of are not very civil, and the Taliban has never shied away from using food as weapons. So that, precisely, is what we are doing as well. We are going to use every capability we have to achieve our objectives. Even if we have to use baked beans in tomato sauce to eliminate the enemy, we will do so. I hope I have been unambiguous enough. Thank you.

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