A POTOgenic nation

This is to state for the record, as clearly and unequivocally as I possibly can, that the Prevention of Terrorism Ordinance (POTO), which now awaits the approval of Parliament, is fully deserving of support. I, for one, find this constant hectoring of the Home ministry over its noble project of thrusting the law down our throats, as shameful and worthy of the strongest condemnation.

But as our honourable ministers — including the ministers of Home; Law, Justice and Company Affairs; Information and Broadcasting; Disinvestment, and the like — have pointed out so painstakingly in their public statements and 10,000-word long newspapers articles, what we really need is an extended and happy spell in the cooler, all expenses paid, no questions asked.

Let me answer all the doubts about POTO in toto:

Objection 1: The ordinance is too draconian.
Precisely. But why can’t we see this in the right perspective? Here we go, on and on, accusing the government and its henchmen of the basest motives, of being draconian to the hilt, of turning into little Hitlers on the march, when all they want to do is to give us a wonderful holiday at state expense. Consider the following scenario...

SUPERINTENDENT OF POLICE: (blowing the whistle as I walk down the road): I’m sending you to prison under POTO.
ME: But officer, what’s the charge?
SP: Under POTO there’s no charge. Everything is free.
See what I mean? At this rate, they may even produce a POTOgenic catalogue of holiday destinations, including such historically significant getaways as Madras Central Jail — slightly overcrowded but one that Jayalalitha was housed in, it has all the modern amenities, including an attached lavatory — a conveniently placed hole in the floor.

Or Tihar Jail, where many luminaries currently in power had once spent time in, courtesy Mrs Gandhi and her emergency. Or Beur Jail, where one may even come across the likes of Laloo Prasad Yadav on a good day. Or Arthur Road Prison, where POTO meets TADA, and those who were extended government hospitality under the earlier law eight years ago are still joyfully experiencing the generosity of the State, no questions asked.

Objection Two: We already have enough laws to handle any crime, including those perpetrated by terrorists. Precisely. But as a law abiding nation, the more laws we have the more abiding we appear. What objection, therefore, can anybody have if we add one more to the 1 billion pieces of legislation that are currently in force?

In any case, this government must do something for a living, surely? Considering it had personally escorted Masood Azhar and Omar Sheikh with such fanfare to their freedom, allowed Chota Rajan to bolt and Dawood Ibrahim to float around, it needs to arrest someone, surely, to prove to itself that it is not a soft state?

Besides, this law is so cute that sub-editors are having a field day being POTOgenic. Look at the innumerable variations that have emanated out of this ordinance: POTOcopy, POTOgraphic, POTO finish, POTOmontage, POTOsynthesis, POTO call, POTOvoltaic....

Objection 4: It is just a ruse to come to power in Uttar Pradesh.
Quite. But so what? After all, but how many names can you knock off the electoral rolls — like the Rajnath Singh government tried to do at Thakurdwara — without getting caught? This way, those whose names still inconveniently figure on the rolls as bonafide voters, despite the state government’s best efforts, can now be conveniently — and legally — whisked off to jail for their own good. No questions asked.

Objection 4: It makes it obligatory for the citizen to convey any information they might have on a terrorist plan on pain of imprisonment.

This, in fact, is my favourite part in the new ordinance, this ‘I Spy With My Little Eye’ bit, because I’ve always had this ambition to be Mata Hari. I have, therefore, invested in an overcoat and spy glasses and acquired a nifty two-way radio that fits into my watch, a key chain camera and a tape recorder in a pen case.

So far I have to report that Mrs Mehta down the road had some extremely suspicious characters, wearing beards like Bin Laden, visit her lately. I also noticed old Baldev, in the house across from mine, talk to himself in the verandah while facing Afghanistan. Watch this space for more on their movements.

Meanwhile, remember, if you are not with POTO you are a terrorist, so you might as well give yourself up before they come to arrest you.

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