The ICC, like a cycle stand

NOTICE how the best action in international cricket always seems to take place off the field rather than on it?

Take Hansie Cronje. His most stirring moments came not when he hit his stylish centuries and led his team to many a famous victory, but when he slammed himself out of the pavilion with his match-fixing talent.

Similarly, the current South Africa series may not have yielded anything but mediocre cricket but it has suddenly acquired more excitement and passion than anything churned out at Bloemfontein, Port Elizabeth or Jo’burg. Cricket, which had hitherto been consigned to the back-of-the-book sections of newspapers, is now burning the front pages.

At this rate, I would say, the time has come to dispense with the familiar routine of televising cricket matches live and switch to all the action on the sidelines instead. Imagine then the inimitable Navjot Sidhu doing the honours on the latest typhoon to hit the cricketing world...

OMMENTATOR: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. The weather, as you can see, looks quite threatening, with dark clouds on the horizon. India seems to be heading for some stormy weather. Well, here comes match referee Mike Denness, preparing to bowl to the Indians.

He comes rushing down the pitch straight to Sachin Tendulkar. He is taking Sachin aside and wagging a finger at him. What do you think he’s up to, Sidhu?

SIDHU: All I can say is that there seems to be kuch kala in the dal. Some black in the lentil, as they say at home.

COMMENTATOR: Hey, this seems to be getting more exciting than I thought. There goes old Mike Denness bowling to the Indians...and he’s got them all out — six of them. What do you make of it, Sidhu?

SIDHU: Denness has just bowled a googly. Things look very, very crooked from here, more crooked than a jalebi. More crooked than that crooked man in that crooked house living with his crooked dog and crooked cat.

COMMENTATOR: So you would term that unfair?

SIDHU: What am I saying? I am saying that every right thinking Indian must feel like waving a black flag and sharpening his knife, no question about it. Denness is a menace. Menace, the Denness. Denness, the Menace. Denness is nothing but an executioner executing the doves while leaving the vultures highly flying.

COMMENTATOR: Whoa, you really seem worked up, Sidhu.

SIDHU: Any right thinking Indian would. Look at that Shaun Pollock. He kept his mouth open in his appeal against Das, his mouth was open like Alibaba’s cave after he said Khulja sim sim. For 300 seconds he kept his mouth opened. I was timing him. But he has got away as free as Scott, whoever that chap was. Mark my words, this looks like being more crooked than a jalebi. It looks like a white hen laying a black egg.

COMMENTATOR: Well, who cares if an egg is white or black, as long as it makes a omelette, right? Ha, ha! Look, here comes Jagmohan Dalmiya, padding up to bat for India, hair slicked back, flannels properly pressed. Let’s see how he plans to play it. Sidhu, any comments?

SIDHU: Well, all I can say is that Jagmohan is a fighter. A real fighter. He’s like a rattlesnake. In fact if he fights with a rattlesnake, he’ll let the rattlesnake have the first two bites and then he’ll hit back.

COMMENTATOR: Isn’t that a bit difficult to imagine? I mean, if the rattlesnake bites you, you normally die, don’t you?

SIDHU: Not this rattlesnake. Not Jagmohan. Like I said, he’s a fighter! A rattlesnake! Hsssss...

COMMENTATOR: What’s this we hear about the entire Indian subcontinent being in a fever over the alleged racism demonstrated against them? Of Parliamentarians demanding the team return home because Denness has tarnished national honour?

SIDHU: See, we Indians are a sentimental people. Each one of us feels like waving a black flag and sharpening the knife. We love our cricket more than we love our rasagoolahs and paneer pakoras. In fact, we love our cricket more than we love a cake with a red cherry on top.

COMMENTATOR: Vow, really? Now to get back to Jagmohan, who is facing the ball. Nice defensive stroke, he has just offered a flat bat to media queries. Next ball...Jagmohan in a magnificent sweep hits Mike Denness for a six. The crowd roars in approval. It’s fever pitch out here. What do you think will happen next, Sidhu?

SIDHU: Can’t say because the future seems as dense as the monsoon sky before the rain has rained. But didn’t I tell you, Jagmohan is a real fighter!

COMMENTATOR: Malcolm Speed, chief executive of the ICC, has just come in and has ruled that Jagmohan’s action was off the pads and will not be recognised by the ICC. Sidhu, your comments?

SIDHU: All I can say is that this is getting crookeder and crookeder, more crooked than a white hen laying black eggs, more crooked than a jalebi. Take it from me, the ICC is like a cycle stand. If one cycle falls, all the other cycles will fall. If India falls, then all the other teams will fall.

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