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Dear
General, Yet Again!
For
the last several days we’ve been told about your impending
arrival and how India will change post your visit. I have also travelled
abroad though never on a state visit: I normally prepare for a trip
by packing toothpaste and clothes but you seem to be so different
which is why I guess you decided to become President so that at
least your baggage doesn’t get lost.
I wonder
if you’ll be flying PIA or our Air India — in fact, to
promote friendship in the truest terms I would recommend you fly
Air India. We now also have a very interesting scheme: fly business
class and your companion will fly free so the Begum can avail of
this offer and by God you need all the freebies you can possibly
get what with IMF holding you to ransom. There are a whole host
of advantages of flying Air India: for starters, the biggest fixers
in the world — a set of four brothers — are now bidding
for it. That apart, it’s the only airline in the world where
every six months we either replace the MD or the Commercial Director
on charges of corruption depending on what suits the Minister, who
incidentally has been abroad only once.
You
will also get unmatched service on board and they have something
on the lines of happy hours in hotels: the more you are stuck on
the tarmac the better they serve you, which is why junk PIA and
instead fly the airline that boasts of the Maharaja. I am certain
even the menu will be unique: just to rankle you I have recommended
they serve you waazwan; show you Kashmir Ki Kali and take you on
a guided tour of the sights and sounds of Srinagar since that is
about how close you’ll get to Kashmir! And here’s the
tentative agenda for your trip still untainted by the hands of either
side’s MEA!
Once
you land you will be in the splendid care of our protocol department
and we have taken care to draw out some Hurriyat leaders for you
who will take care of your baggage since in any event our Government
does not wish you to have tea with these people: what else can they
do except to pretend they are your baggage handlers. Once you arrive
in the immigration hall you will be met by a suave Customs Officer
who will whisk you through immigration (if they are awake or interested)
and will deliver you to Rashtrapati Bhavan.
There
you’ll meet our President who didn’t exactly snatch the
Presidency (unlike you) akin to a rugby ball in an unruly game.
This is where the two countries differ and I hope continue to.
We
have organised a visit for you to your ancestral haveli: the only
people who are delighted are the haveli chappies since now their
roads have been repaired; Zee TV has been swarming the place and
the local MLA and MP are finally fighting in public! I have also
recommended that you tell them that one of your ancestors lived
close to where I live: that way at least Friends Colony will get
a touch of renewal. We also need our roads to be repaired; the flyover
built; dogs sent to Maneka Gandhi and that kind of routine stuff.
The
banquet is going to be catered for by the Ashok Hotel: this is a
Government run hotel which, with every meal, also gives you a voucher
for a complimentary health-checkup: and with the quality of healthcare
now available in India you are better off getting your soaring BP
checked here rather than anywhere else unless you want to wait till
you too are exiled! The guest list for the banquet has been chosen
with great care: you will be seated next to Jaswant Singh and opposite
you will be K. C. Pant: both will ensure that if the food doesn’t
get you, their conversation will — and don’t take K. C.
Pant too lightly: he is now our expert on Kashmir which is why it’s
no small wonder, after meeting him, the cries for autonomy have
become even shriller. Post banquet I’ve suggested they take
you to Rick’s: it’s a bar. Now India unlike Paskistan
doesn’t hide the fact that people love drinking: smoke a nice
Habanos which our many cigar-men will be only too happy to provide
and post that you can retire for the night unless you want to catch
a late night showing of Lagaan: one reason the movie is a hit is
that after a long time, Indians actually win the match!
When
you wake up the next morning I recommend you go a for a brisk walk
to Lodhi Gardens and if Mr Dua is still not in Denmark then make
him your walking companion and he will shed some illumination on
how he has helped change India for the better. He is one of our
more erudite journalists and has held every conceivable job albeit
for short spells. I may mention he is a very senior functionary
of the PMO so you must be careful of what you say. Unlike Kuldip
Nayar who will tolerate every pro-Pakistan statement you make, Mr
Dua is not so flexible. Breakfast has been arranged for you at Rashtrapati
Bhavan: our President is from the backwaters (no this is not an
insulting usage) in Kerala: if you haven’t snored through the
night he might even offer you some Appams.
Then
you’ll leave for Agra, known for three things: the Taj Mahal;
the mental asylum and shoes. Now I guess you realise why they want
to talk to you there. You’ll have a remarkable time if you
surrender yourself to the romance of the city. Forget Kashmir and
instead focus on the Begum: share that bench with her and get photographed.
The last time we had Clinton there. There’s some sense of deja
vu since even these talks are being held at the behest of the US.
I do have a hunch of what they want to talk to you about: mango
exports; slowing the train on the other side of Wagah; getting better
passport stamps; stopping smuggling of cocaine and tyres. But more
of that next week.
Till
then, keep smiling. A passage to India can always be fun!
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