Upbeat, Down Under

While trying to flip channels in an attempt to avoid breathless speculation as to who the next captain of the Indian Cricket team would be — a position which by the way was so much in demand that everyone seemed to be desperately trying to avoid it — I turned to the Beeb. What were they speculating about? Well, of course who the next captain of India would be! But the Beeb did mention that the Australians hadn’t lost a home series for the past 14 years. And why haven’t the Australians lost in 14 years? Well, the answer is obvious. Because the touring sides hadn’t consulted me. So it is in the spirit of patriotism that I offer some advice.

The point is that if the Australians win the toss they will bat first. If the Indians win the toss they should put the Australians in to bat first. And then whatever the Australians score, the Indians should make them follow on. Of course you ask, how do you make a team batting first follow on? It’s simple. You declare your innings without your team batting at all. Imagine the effect this will have. There is Ponting all ready to lead the boys out and suddenly the Indian captain tells him, “Ricky, your turn to bat — we have just declared.” Can you imagine the effect on Brett Lee who is just loosening up to start another devastating spell of superior fast bowling. Can you imagine the effect on Adam Gilchrist, having just got his wicket keeper’s gloves on. Imagine, Ponting will wonder, are the Indians so good that in one innings, they are capable of overhauling the Australian total. The shock might be so great that they might collapse immediately in the second innings.

Even if this does not happen, it will certainly put an end to all the Australian braggadocio and set the tone for the rest of the games. It is said that sport at the highest level is played in the mind. This is exactly how the Indians should play it: play with the Australian mind. Further, our boys will at least make it to the Guinness book of world records. For the first team to get a team batting first to follow on.

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