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 The scariest religious institution I have ever been to is the Darul Uloom in Deoband. In the hour I spent wandering about its grounds on my single uninvited visit a couple of years ago I understood why it had inspired the Taliban. It is an institution that remains frozen in seventh century Arabia, a time when men were primitive and women got a primitive deal. I saw one woman while I was there and she was veiled to the eyeballs. The angry young students I met were Islamists to a man and the maleficent power of Saudi Arabia manifested itself in their refusal to speak to me because they were only allowed to speak Arabic. So they said. This most important Islamic seminary on the Indian sub-continent may not be directly training jihadis but it is responsible for perpetuating a narrow, literal interpretation of Islam which is the ideology that inspires the jihad.

Last week, this seminary was in the news because it declared cinema offensive to Islam and held a conference of bearded clerics at which terrorism was discussed. The cinema fatwa can be ignored because it is meaningless except to literalist interpreters of Islam and they do not go to the movies anyway. The All-India Anti-Terrorism Conference held in Deoband on 17 Safar 1429H (February 25) we need to pay careful attention to. Most newspapers reported on their front pages that the conference had condemned terrorism. As someone who thinks of the Deobandi interpretation of Islam as exactly the kind we do not want in our land of happy infidels, my ears instantly pricked up. Could the Darul Uloom have changed since my one and only visit? Had it now become a place of unveiled women? The head Maulana refused to entertain my request for an interview because I was unveiled. And, I, proud infidel that I am, sent him a message to veil himself if he had a problem with gazing upon the female form.

Last week, when I heard the Darul Uloom had condemned terrorism, I went disbelievingly to their website to download a copy of the declaration made at the end of the conference of bearded mullahs. This is what I found. After declaring untruly that Islam treats all mankind with equality (there should be no infidels then) the declaration says, ‘Islam sternly condemns all kinds of oppression, violence and terrorism’.

So far so good, but the next paragraph and the one after clarifies that the Darul Uloom’s idea of terrorism is different to yours and mine. It’s not attacks by Islamist suicide bombers on us idol-worshippers that they are worried about but attacks on Muslims. Listen. ‘The Conference expresses its deep concern and agony on the present global and national alarming conditions (sic) in which most of the nations are adopting such an attitude against their citizens, especially Muslims, to appease the tyrant and colonial master of the West . . . the conference strongly demands the Indian Government (sic) to curb those maligning the madrassas and Muslims’.

As I suspected, nothing has changed in the cloistered world of the Darul Uloom. If it had the declaration should have contained at least one reference to innocent infidels being killed by Islamist suicide bombers as they prayed in temples and went home from work on Mumbai’s commuter trains.

The problem with institutions like the Darul Uloom is they give all Muslims a bad name. The vast majority of Indian Muslims do not believe in the literalist interpretation of Islam that the Saudis propagate through seminaries like the one in Deoband. They do not think of cinemas as ‘centres of sin’ or believe that the solution to the world’s problems lies in returning to the times of the Prophet. They do not believe either that the West is a ‘tyrant and colonial master’ but it is not those Muslims that our ‘secular’ government likes to promote, so the finance minister in his budget last week announced a fund to modernise madrassas. It is a criminal waste of tax-payers’ money and a disservice to the Muslim community because what ordinary, non-jihadi Muslims need badly are neighbourhood schools that are modern, secular and affordable. If they want to turn their children into maulvis they will send them to the Darul Uloom type seminary anyway. And, even a casual stroll in its compounds is all you need to notice that it is flush with funds.

Personally, as a secular, unbelieving Indian, I object to my money being spent on religious schools of any kind. I understand that we are heading towards a general election and the Muslim vote bank is elusive and important but if the Congress party and its Marxist friends want to woo it, then they should use party funds and not the budget. Right?