Headlines Today may require Readers’ Digest to enhance its word power, but other news channels need a stern editor to reduce theirs. Also, stay away from cricket predictions. The moment Vikram Chandra (NDTV 24X7), with a smile wider than the distance between India and Australia, proclaimed on Monday that Tuesday would be ‘‘one of the most exciting, triumphant days...’’, you knew we were not going to win the Sydney test.

Tuesday was hailed as a ‘‘triumphant’’ day by anchors and correspondents who ransacked their mental Thesaurus for appropriate superlatives to describe the Islamabad accord between India and Pakistan. Each sentence was resplendent in more aahs and wah-wahs (or their equivalent) than verbs, nouns and articles put together. However, when it came to SAARC, eloquence deserted the reporters: other South Asian nations might like to stay out of SAFTA on account of unfair media practices. ‘‘We are always trying (to give SAARC) some importance,’’ stated Chandra after another failure. Aaj Tak interviewed a leading Pakistani Opposition leader who spoke of SAARC. ‘‘Lekin India-Pakistan par baat kijiye...,’’demanded an uninterested Rahul.

Dutifully, PTV covered the SAARC sessions live but phir bhi dil hai Pakistani so its commentators behaved as though you can clap with one hand: they claimed that the Pakistani leaders had single-handedly brought about a rapprochement between the two countries. Furthermore, the ‘‘rapport’’ between Jamali and Vajpayee, Musharraf and Vajpayee was due to the sterling qualities of the Pakistanis. Why, said one commentator, Los Angeles Times and Washington Post had praised Pakistan. Next, they’ll recommend Musharraf for the Nobel Peace Prize.

The more DD News does to be different from the private news channels, the more it ends up imitating them. All these years, its female anchors have been the personification of Indian womanhood, proudly displaying their cultural identity in six yards of a sari. Now, they have put on a foreign yoke. Yes,it’s coats and pants, please, not pleats and pallus. Anupam Kher where are you?

Saying hello to little children, dearie (Sab). Mr Kher needs to censor his own talk show instead of snipping and sniping at others. Last week, he first asked young Sonia (think that was her name) a series of questions that had no connection with each other or anything else (You like horses? Which cartoon do you like? You like Dada or Dadi better? You like Nana or Nani better?...). Then, he asked her to dance. With alarming energy, the little girl spun around and ground out her under-developed hip: ‘‘Dekha tumko jab se...,’’ she flung herself towards him in rhythm with the lyrics of the song. Should the Chairman of the Censor Board be encouraging young girls to disco, suggestively, to Hindi film songs on TV—and at him?

Still, Kher has a point about TV content: it’s all so absurd. Consider the producers of Kehta Hai Dil. The mourning widow takes to the courtroom stand with her husband’s urn in her hand. Any moment you expect Nikhil to arise from the ashes like a genie. Next, the defence lawyer produces her DNA test report which claims the baby she carries in her womb (not urn), does not belong to Nikhil. How did the defence attorney obtain her DNA report before she did? It’s fine to be inspired by the Madhumita murder case but could we have some legal accuracy?

DNA makes a guest appearance on Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thhi. Mandira, currently pulling a long face as Priyanka, uses it to establish that Mihir is not father to his son Harsh. Viewers with memories longer than her face will recall that Harsh was conceived as a character when Tulsi had only Mihir as a man in her life. If Harsh is hers but not Mihir’s (or was he child-swapped?) is the immaculate bahu also the Virgin Mary?