Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal

Director: Vivek Agnihotri

After hockey, football. A bunch of Southall-based Asians set out to save their mouldering club from an avaricious Brit. Their goal: to get through the club leagues, win the trophy, and the prize money. Which will save their club, and their pride.

You know several things at once. You know that this ragtag team, lead by Shaan (Arshad), who runs a kebab joint, will suffer humiliating defeats, and then overcome. You know that the shambling loser (Boman) sitting in that corner of the pub, will pummel these players into the sort of shape that is required to win matches. And you know that that arrogant, I'm-too-good-for-my-boots Sunny (John) will be the weapon this sorry group needs, to go right to the top of the class.

Two things spring to mind as you watch Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal. The story is entirely predictable, so the script needs to introduce little surprises — a quirk here, a twist there — every once in a while. And the acting has to be of a quality which lets you forget that you know exactly what will happen, every step of the way.

Arshad and John both fit their roles well: the former is in his element in the way he comes across as a player-with-a-large-heart who has to learn tolerance; the latter, apart from stripping beautifully, can actually play the game. But Boman isn't given room to go the distance, only coming to life towards the end. And Bipasha is a misfit: someone should tell her that you don't become a convincing physiotherapist (yes, that's what she plays, promise) by wearing plain glasses, and trousers.

Goal scores. But it isn’t Chak De.